twenty-five

Every second that passes by brings me that much closer to my twenty-fifth birthday.

It's tragic really.

It's not that twenty-five is so horribly old that there's no point in living past it...it's just that, well now I feel old. I get tired earlier, I have definite grumpy moments, I'm no longer current on pop culture trivia, I enjoy solitude- I'm practically a less hairy version of Walter Mathau & Jack Lemmon! (See what I mean about that pop culture crap).

I have a very blessed life, I just wish I could enjoy the blessings without getting older. A lot of the things I figured I would have accomplished by this point in my life haven't been- I wouldn't say I failed at them, more that my perspective changed & the importance of those things fell on my list.

I think John Mayer hit his quarter-life-crisis on the nose when he said, 'I wonder sometimes about the outcome of a still verdictless life. Am I living it right?' It makes me re-evaluate my own life...it's probably a good thing to do every once in a while.

What better time to do it than on the cusp of twenty-five.

passion

Lately I've been reading a lot of fiction & stories that I can lose myself in. Not that those books aren't enjoyable, but I decided recently to intersperse some self-discipline & motivational books into my normal routine. I'm currently reading Jeffrey Gitomer's Little Platinum Book of Cha-Ching! & not only is it inspiring vocationally, but I'm gaining a depth of knowledge on becoming a well-rounded person.

One of my faults is that I easily slip into a state of apathy. I go about my life & I don't really care about what's going on around me- usually I just figure that there's no point in me caring either way. At times I will become very passionate about some cause & go at it full force for a while until one day I've completely forgotten what it was I was passionate about.

Part of sales is helping other people discover the passion you have for your product. If you don't believe in your product you won't be able to sell your product. Music is one of my constant passions, but trying to convince other people that they should embrace the passion I've found for music isn't always something I feel comfortable doing. Why? I have been conditioned to never force my opinion on anyone else, therefore my passion for music takes the backseat. Now it's the mental battle of relearning some of the lessons I learned earlier in life & letting my passion shine through. When you're truly passionate about something it will be easy to let that passion flow into the lives of other people who will soon discover the passion for themselves.

Spiritually I do this a lot...a lot!! I figure that I'll believe what I believe & I'll let other people discover things for themselves. I'm called to spread the Gospel to all the nations. I'm called to be passionate. I need to get out of my comfort zone & stop worrying about pissing someone off. Ultimately the only One who matters is Jesus Christ & His love is more than enough to be passionate about.

the anticipated death of stye

You know what stye are? They're this super painful, gross, red pimple-type growth that forms on your eyelid. Monday evening I felt one coming on & yesterday it was starting to swell up a little bit. Last night I woke up to an eyelid that would only open one-third of the way & this huge, painful entity had established itself on my right eyelid. Disgusting! I used conventional methods to discourage any further growth- I cursed it. Actually, I really just used eye drops & hot wash rags placed appropriately over my eye. Because of it's unnecessary pain & ridiculous size I've decided that it needs a name of it's own, so soon we will witness the death of Frankenstye.

so black & blue for you

I understand & can empathize with the occasional loneliness a single life can bring. Like everyone, I have a desire to love & be loved & have a family of my own. However, I think many people let that loneliness cloud their judgment as it relates to relationships. I would much rather be single & happy than unhappy in a relationship with someone I'm not completely compatible with. I've done that before- I do not enjoy it. I am a very unique individual (as we all are). Recently, I've been continually pursued by men who clearly haven't given much thought to the overwhelming lifestyle differences between us. I'm in no rush to find romance, I'm trusting that as I continue to follow God's guidance He'll bring the right man into my life in His timing. Until then, I'm in no rush- I have been blessed with the best family & friends a girl could ever ask for. That's all I need for now.

top ten quotes of 2009.

10. Christina Applegate (Samanta Who?) - "Now you are the resentful one because you look less than super in the face of my super dooper."

9. Michelle - "Sometimes when I see people walking out of a bar with a bag of dog food in their arms I realize I'm in Oregon."

8. Andrew (To Justin) - "Did you know it takes eight pounds of direct pressure to crush a human testicle?"

7. Will - "What's red & orange & looks good on a hippie? Fire."

6. Ed Diaz - "Beer is Universal."

5. John Mayer - "I was finishing dinner at a restaurant last night. The waitress asked, 'you want a box for that?' I said 'no, but I'll wrestle you for it.'"

4. Poupe - "Is there strawberry in the mango? Then no."

3. Todd Sucherman - "Now, do I only get two eggs in the half hour time slot?"

2. Bentley as Jean Claude Van Damme - "If the bubbles are small, give your friend a call. If the bubbles are big, don't."

1. Customer - "Your nativity scene in the window offends me."
Paul - "Isn't that great!"
Customer - *confounded*
Paul - "You can be offended, we can still do whatever we want, & no one goes to jail!"

all that jazz

I always have way too many things on my mind. I kind of feel that it is necessary to share the craziness that clutters my mind on a daily basis. Enjoy!

I'm pretty sure traffic intends to teach me patience on a daily basis. I've decided that instead of getting upset at the stupid Salem drivers, I'll just enjoy whatever is playing on my iPod.

I love living downtown! It's so nice to be within walking distance of so many great places (especially the mall & the coffee shops). I can walk to the Book Bin & hang out for hours. Also, the Beanery makes vegan cookies! I LOVE them...oh man, if I could I'd buy a big ol' fatty box of them & munch on them daily. If that was the case, there would be no point in me being vegan in order to be healthy...I'm pretty sure even if they are vegan cookies that doesn't make them "weight loss cookies." Oh well...there goes that brilliant plan.

God has been refining me a lot lately. I am learning to blossom where He plants me & make the most of every situation I'm placed in. This refining process hasn't been easy, but I know it will make me a stronger person on the other end.

In my blackberry I create many different types of lists. Lists of actors & actresses I like, scriptures to meditate on when I'm struggling with anxiety, books I want to read, clothing items I need to buy, gift ideas, movies I should see, quotes I love, my grocery shopping list, etc... One list, however, is a list of songs that I want to purchase on iTunes. When I was living in Boston, I would buy music & movies like crazy! I have started making lists of songs that I want in order to reduce my spending on music. My list is currently at fifty songs.

Oprah's ending her show! I know it's about a year away, but still! I'm very sad that her show will be no more, but I'm excited about this new cable network she's cooking up!

Speaking of cooking, it's been quite a challenge to figure out new recipes that are vegan. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy it! I also appreciate my wonderful friends & family who have been supportive through this new life change.

I don't have cable...I don't even own a television! I don't have internet & I basically stay current on events through email news updates to my phone & whatever other websites & can view on my blackberry. I don't really mind it so much...I'm just glad I have friends. :)

Usually I avoid discussing politics at all costs, but has anyone been watching what's been going on? Seriously! It's crazy stuff!! Anyone who thinks "ignorance is bliss" should rethink their theory because whether or not you know what the state of the government is currently it will affect you greatly.

I have been working on some Christmas songs to sing at December's jam night...I am very excited about it! I am very lucky to be able to sing with some AMAZING musicians.

There you go...a little insight into my head.

love

Lately God's been teaching me more about love. Life situations have crept up & twisted my view of it, but He is slowly beginning to correct those false ideas. I am once again realizing that in order to have healthy, loving relationships I need to model my love after Christ's love for me. He doesn't love me only on my good days or only when He feels like it. He loves me unconditionally at all times & nothing I've done will ever be able to separate me from Him. I think applying this concept to the relationships in my life will make me a better friend, daughter, sister, aunt, & one day hopefully a wife & mother.

heritage

I have spent much of this past year meditating on the words in various hymns. I developed a new found respect for hymns when I was in college; a professor (& good friend) of mine encouraged the singing of them through choir & other musical opportunities. When I meditate on them I feel a deep, powerful connection with generations of past Christians. That heritage is a wonderful thing to claim for my own life- to know that someone a thousand years ago worshiped God with the very same song I am now. God has shown me lately that the less we talk about & remember what He has done for us the less we expect from Him, when this happens faith actually decreases. It's important to remember the amazing things He did in the days of the writers of the Bible, in the days of the writers of the hymns, & in our own lives.

On that note, this is what He's done for me: He healed my sister of cancer fifteen years ago, He always provides for me, He healed my voice five years ago, & He reminds me daily to 'cast my anxieties on Him because He cares for me.' The list goes on & on...I'm actually starting to write them all down so that I can remember how faithful He's been to me.

We need to remember the stories...we need to claim the stories...& we need to have faith that God hasn't changed & He will still do awesome, amazing, glorious things for us daily.

'How marvelous, how wonderful, & my song shall ever be.
How marvelous, how wonderful is my Saviour's love for me!'

addicitve personality?

I am officially addicted to 21 Jump Street. Hulu had the entire first season! It may be caused, in part, by the fact that Johnny Depp is so unbelievably dreamy. Yes--I believe that does play a huge role.

Itchy Feet.

I finally feel like I'm growing up. I am getting my own place, starting to feel comfortable in Salem, & I'm very happy with where I'm at. I don't feel that urge to pick up everything & leave again. That fear of commitment is starting to settle down a bit. On the other hand, I have a strong desire to go on a short term mission trip...I loved my trip to Haiti (four years ago) & I really want to go somewhere new & serve people. The plan now is to pray that God will bring along the right opportunity & the financing & other means for this to happen. He's the One who gave me this desire--I trust that He'll guide my steps.

that funny little feeling

I hate this feeling. Allow me to elaborate- I hate the horribly lonely 'I-wish-I-was-in-a-relationship' feeling that I get after watching well written (or poorly written) 'rom coms' [romantic comedies]. It's not like I'm desperate for love- I am mostly satisfied with my single life & furthermore have zero prospects to consider. It's not like amazing guys are just popping up all over the place. I know that the greatest relationships are worth waiting for & I'm doing my best to make the most of the time I have right now, but still those movies leave the pit of my stomach wishing for something more. It's pretty freakin' annoying! And this is officially why I have a love/hate relationship with rom coms.

John Cusack

I'm a sucker for a love song. Seriously!! So many people in my life can testify to the fact that I have, on numerous occasions, forced them (to a certain extent) to listen to songs on repeat...for hours!
"Everything I do" by Bryan Adams
"We Belong Together" by Gavin DeGraw
"Arms of a Woman" by Amos Lee
"Forever" by Ben Harper
...& the list goes on & on!

When I listen to these songs I literally leave reality & find myself off in some other 'unrealistic land of love.' At times I become so 'involved' in my own fairy tale version of love that my expectations for future love could only ever be fulfilled by some perfect combination of 'The Princess Bride's' Wesley the farm boy, 'Pride & Prejudice's' Mr. Darcy, & 'Clueless's' Josh. I am pretty much setting any guy who comes along in life up for failure.

In Chuck Klosterman's book 'Sex, Drugs, & Cocoa Puffs' he blames the fact that he will never be able to fully satisfy a woman on John Cusack's character 'Lloyd Dobler' from the movie 'Say Anything.' (hilarious chapter...) In my mind I think a normal romance should be similar to Cory & Topanga on 'Boy Meets World' & at times I'm not sure if I'd be satisfied with anything less. There's a great line from Hamlet that says 'Love is begun by time, & time qualifies the spark & fire of it.' A great romance will take time & compromise. It will never be perfect. I'm pretty sure if I want a perfect romance I'll just have to keep daydreaming of my 'Mr. Wesley Josh Darcy,' but I'd miss out on so much of that beautiful imperfection.

So, while it's okay for me to enjoy those beautiful love songs, I need to remember that romance will never be perfect, I need to stop setting my expectations so high that no man would be able to live up to them, & I need to trust God & put Him at the center of any future relationship that comes my way...because, honestly, that's what makes a beautiful relationship.

a beautiful mess

Life can be messy sometimes. I just went back through & read a load of blogs I had written over the past year...& I posted them here. It's funny how fast I can lose sight of the things that matter...how easily distracted I get at times. It's like I've gone to the store to buy a dress & came home with shoes, pants, shirts,...& no dress. How do I keep the dress as my goal? What do I need to do to keep my goals in sight & the things that truly are important to me?

Things get in the way.

People change.

However, the things that I wanted then are still things that I want in my future. My life is messy...but it's my mess & it's the only one I will ever have. I want to live it fully & unswervingly for Jesus Christ...nothing else matters as long as every day I can say I did my best in His name. Being able to do that makes my mess of a life something different...then it becomes a beautiful mess. He changes me & I want to keep my focus on Him & nothing else. He will guide my steps.

stronger.

there is Love
that came for us
humbled to a sinner's cross
You broke my shame and sinfulness
You rose again victorious

faithfulness none can deny
through the storm
& through the fire
there is truth that sets me free
Jesus Christ who lives in me

You are stronger
You are stronger
sin is broken
You have saved me
it is written
Christ is risen
Jesus You are Lord of all

no beginning & no end
You're my hope & my defence
You came to seek & save the lost
You paid it all upon the cross

so let Your Name be lifted higher
be lifted higher
be lifted higher

lessons in geography

I recently took a trip with my mother. She won a major award for outstanding skills & work initiative through her company, so we accompanied 60 middle aged folk on an extravagant vacation. The first day the sponsors of the event decided to spice things up & play a few games, one of them was an American Airlines version of 'Jeopardy.' We were all a part of a team with everyone else at our table & one of the questions posed to my team went something like this: 'How many countries is American Airlines currently located in?' The answer choices were:

A. 129 countries on 6 continents
B. Every state but Georgia
C. 151 countries on 9 continents
D. Europe & the United States

Being at a table with nine travel industry professionals, I would have assumed they'd have a good handle on global geography. False. They wanted to answer C. The only problem with C is that there are only seven continents on Earth...we can't just make up two! Oh. My. Goodness. I'm going to blame it on the mimosas for breakfast.

confessions

I am bad with money. Seriously. I watched the movie 'Confessions of a Shopaholic' & felt like it was about me, except that I'm not dating any really attractive British men (unfortunately). It's almost humorous that the daughter of an accountant would be this horrible with money, but literally four days after being paid my account is totally drained & I have to wait until the fifth for my next chance to be responsible with my money.

Here's the part that sucks: it's not that I spend all of my money on stupid things, or don't understand the value of money--it's more that I just don't care about it that much. That may sound weird, but seriously--I would love to just be debt free & live simply, but if I can't even live simply now how will that ever be possible? I'm not motivated by money...I'm actually motivated by making people happy--perhaps there's an opening to become 'Bozo the Clown.' I spend my money on experiences, such as: dinner with friends, gas to go visit people, or drinks with the guys. It just disappears after a few days of social interaction...it's quite frustrating!

So...I will officially be looking for ways to better save. I know I've said that before, but it's encouraging to know I can still keep trying.

gone fishin' instead of just wishin'

Working at a music store has taught me more about men than I ever thought was possible. Before, I thought I was pretty fluent in 'male,' but I've come to realize I had only scratched the surface- talk about complicated! (Except that it's really only complicated because I'm a woman & apparently that's how we like things).

Last week I was helping a regular customer while bantering with a co-worker. I made the comment 'I'm a lover not a fighter' & my customer said 'I'm sure your fiance or husband loves that,' to which I just smiled & said nothing. Later I told my co-worker 'see my ring (worn on the appropriate finger) has done it's job'. he told me 'no...he was totally fishing'.

Fishing. There's a new one! See, here I thought I'd figured out a way to avoid awkward advances & I'm just making the game much more interesting. How annoying. Well, now that I'm wise to it all I figure it's time to bring in a story...perhaps I could be a real stinker & make it a familiar love story just to mess with them a bit.

big ben

I hate to follow up a serious blog with this, but I just couldn't resist...my life is too funny sometimes. Clearly I'm immature, but when a guy calls in asking for 'Big Bends Nut Sauce' (I heard 'Big Ben's') I just can't help but laugh...uncontrollably.

O Sacred Head, Now Wounded

Sometimes I find that reading lyrics is extremely powerful. It's enhanced my life in many different ways. So here's one that has brought me into a deeper understanding on many occasions.

O sacred Head, now wounded, with grief and shame weighed down,
Now scornfully surrounded with thorns, Thine only crown;
How pale Thou art with anguish, with sore abuse and scorn!
How does that visage languish, which once was bright as morn!

What Thou, my Lord, hast suffered, was all for sinners’ gain;
Mine, mine was the transgression, but Thine the deadly pain.
Lo, here I fall, my Savior! ’Tis I deserve Thy place;
Look on me with Thy favor, vouchsafe to me Thy grace.

Men mock and taunt and jeer Thee, Thou noble countenance,
Though mighty worlds shall fear Thee and flee before Thy glance.
How art thou pale with anguish, with sore abuse and scorn!
How doth Thy visage languish that once was bright as morn!

Now from Thy cheeks has vanished their color once so fair;
From Thy red lips is banished the splendor that was there.
Grim death, with cruel rigor, hath robbed Thee of Thy life;
Thus Thou hast lost Thy vigor, Thy strength in this sad strife.

My burden in Thy Passion, Lord, Thou hast borne for me,
For it was my transgression which brought this woe on Thee.
I cast me down before Thee, wrath were my rightful lot;
Have mercy, I implore Thee; Redeemer, spurn me not!

What language shall I borrow to thank Thee, dearest friend,
For this Thy dying sorrow, Thy pity without end?
O make me Thine forever, and should I fainting be,
Lord, let me never, never outlive my love to Thee.

My Shepherd, now receive me; my Guardian, own me Thine.
Great blessings Thou didst give me, O source of gifts divine.
Thy lips have often fed me with words of truth and love;
Thy Spirit oft hath led me to heavenly joys above.

Here I will stand beside Thee, from Thee I will not part;
O Savior, do not chide me! When breaks Thy loving heart,
When soul and body languish in death’s cold, cruel grasp,
Then, in Thy deepest anguish, Thee in mine arms I’ll clasp.

The joy can never be spoken, above all joys beside,
When in Thy body broken I thus with safety hide.
O Lord of Life, desiring Thy glory now to see,
Beside Thy cross expiring, I’d breathe my soul to Thee.

My Savior, be Thou near me when death is at my door;
Then let Thy presence cheer me, forsake me nevermore!
When soul and body languish, oh, leave me not alone,
But take away mine anguish by virtue of Thine own!

Be Thou my consolation, my shield when I must die;
Remind me of Thy passion when my last hour draws nigh.
Mine eyes shall then behold Thee, upon Thy cross shall dwell,
My heart by faith enfolds Thee. Who dieth thus dies well.

be

I learned long ago never to plan life out because it always has a way of doing what it wants. Of course, I can adjust the course it's on from time to time, but the overall outcome can't be planned or manipulated.

Things happen.

People change.

The only thing I can really do is choose my attitude through it all- so here, in this moment, I choose to remember that in all situations...

'God is in it & God is good.'

I trust in every day that passes by I will be able to stand firm on Psalm 46:10, 'Be still & know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.'

memories...

I was looking through some old photos today & ran across a set of them that made me laugh, so I've decided to share them all. At camp a few friends & I tried to get a good photo of us all & it took quite a while to get a good shot--if it ever even happened--but we did have a lot of fun doing it. So here are a few of my favorite people...

twilight.

I have promised myself that I won't get sucked into pop culture phenomenon anymore. Being twenty-four, I can remember the days of New Kids on the Block, 'N Sync, Titanic, etc. In an attempt to 'protect' myself from getting sucked in I have avoided Twilight...until this last weekend. It was decent...though I'm not worried about letting Robert Pattinson fill the void that Leo left in my heart years ago (even though I still have love for Leo). I did enjoy the movie, but the best part is the music. One thing Leo did not do is perform for the soundtrack, they left that up to Celine Dion, on the other hand Robert Pattinson did...& he is amazing. So go out & pick yourself up a copy of the soundtrack & listen to "Never Think" & "Let Me Sign". But if you're struggling with a little 'Robbie P. obsession' you either already know this or you should probably avoid the soundtrack for all our sake.

gnomes. cars. keno.

The things that strike me as oddly amusing would go unnoticed by most people. In fact sometimes I find things so diverting that I just have to stop & take a photo of it, for example: there was one time when two Toyota Camrys parked on either side of my Camry & the time we found a lawn gnome outside a Starbucks & pretty much any time someone falls asleep in a public place. So today, while eating lunch at a Mexican food restaurant, I had another one of those experiences. Everybody eating with me had a plain, clear drinking glass except, of course, for the lady sitting next to me who had, no joke, a Keno "superhero" glass. When I first noticed it, I almost spewed the water I had just put into my mouth...but trying to explain why I got water all over the nice man sitting across from me wouldn't be all so entertaining. So I just sat alone & chuckled to myself over the random Keno glass...I'm sure it will keep me entertained for days.

i so hate consequences.

When I was growing up I was allergic to dairy products, so my mom had to buy non-dairy everything. One of my favorite non-dairy snacks was this cheese she used to get...although it sounds pretty gross now. Well one night I was being particularly bratty & I insisted that I must have some cheese. My mom sliced up a few pieces for me & my dad told me, 'if you don't finish all of those you can't watch "Alf" tonight!' Being about four years old, I couldn't imagine not being able to watch Alf...but I wasn't through being a brat that night. I sat in my parents room & ate a lot of the cheese, but during my messing around I dropped a piece on the floor & it became covered in gross hair & lint. I decided to bring the dirty piece out & not eat it, but my father, not knowing it was dirty, told me I better eat it or no 'Alf.' I refused & was sent straight to bed.

As an adult the mistakes I've made are much more serious than screwing around & dropping a piece of cheese. In the same way, my consequences are much bigger than not being able to watch 'Alf' before bed. If only life was still that easy. It's good to know that with every mistake I make, I am able to pick myself up again & face the consequences as a better, more understanding person. I'm far from becoming the person I would like to be & even then I'll still be looking to improve...it's good to know I'm going the right direction & have wonderful company along for the journey.

that blasted curve ball.

What do you do with the unexpected curve ball? Life's treking along quite nicely then all of the sudden 'bang!' it comes at you full force. At this point you pretty much have two options: A. watch it fly on past you as you strike out, or B. swing at it with everything you've got.

I'm personally not a fan of the curve balls- if life seems to be moving along quite nicely why interrupt it? How annoying! But they still keep coming...some of them I let pass by & others I swing at. So what do I do with this one now? Well maybe I should go down swinging- who knows, maybe I'll knock it out of the park.

the dreams of today

Hi. My name's Michelle & I am commitment-ally challenged.

This is characterized by a general tendency to become bored with life, never being able to come to a firm decision, always keeping an eye out for something better to come along, & relationships?...well let's not even go there.

In the past I have picked up & moved across the country because I felt claustrophobic with life. It was an amazing time in my life & I learned a lot about myself...but by the end I was ready for the next chapter to come along. I'm terrified of becoming 'bogged down' & not being able to experience the adventures that may or may not come along.

I'm twenty-four & even though all my friends tell me I'm really not that old I'm not getting any younger! This is the perfect time for me to experience all that life has to offer...& I'm trying to make the most of where I'm at & gain all the experiences I can before I move on. I don't want to live in the land of "what-ifs" I want to make things happen!

Maybe I just haven't found something that holds my interest long enough to keep me from looking the other direction. There's so much potential out there & I'm wanting to find myself some!

For now, I'm going to soak up as much as I can where I'm at & continue to dream...& perhaps maybe this fear of commitment thing will start to work itself out along the way.

resourceful & environmentally friendly

Given the current state of our economy many people are cutting down the spending...& rightfully so considering excessive, needless spending has gotten me into a mess. This in mind, I have come up with a few creative ideas for those old credit cards we clearly don't need. I am no Martha Stewart, mind you, nor would I ever desire to strive to be any version of her, but I think my ideas may come in handy...for someone.

1. For the struggling musicians who can't spare a buck, just take a pair of scissors & fashion yourself some rather expensive guitar picks.

2. Cut them in half & use them as a scraping device for all the gum stuck under those tables & chairs or for the crusty food left on your dirty plates.

3. Plastic "Chinese throwing stars"...enough said really.

4. Cut a jagged edge on one side & use it as a meat tenderizer...it really makes those cheap steaks taste much better.

5. Cut them into thin lines & use them to dig out those pesty little food bits that get stuck in your teeth.

6. Draw a checkerboard on a piece of paper & use cut up pieces of your old plastic as the checkers.

I hope this has inspired you to put your old plastic to good use. Now I'm off to find the scissors & create a few new ideas.

ciao!